Is your behavior a clue to your maritial stability?

Dr. John Gottman can predict, up to 96% accuracy, couples who are heading for divorce. His work identifies behaviors that create marital stability or lead to divorce. One trait of healthy couples includes the practice of “turning toward” our partners.

What does it mean to “turn towards”?

Healthy couples constantly make and accept—or turn towards—bids to connect. Dr. Gottman proved in his research that when bids are ignored or rejected, partners are more inclined to criticize each other and become frustrated.

What are bids?

Bids are verbal or non-verbal attempts a person makes to connect with their partner. Dr. John Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, spoken or unspoken. They might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature.

Turning towards and recognizing our partner’s bids for connection are two things we can do to stay connected and help communicate to our partner that they are important and that we are prioritizing their needs.

It’s easy to be distracted and focus on our “to do” list. But taking, even just a few minutes, to look into our partner’s eyes and communicate “you matter” may be the difference in being among the 96% who demonstrate behaviors consistent with those heading towards divorce.

So, how can you turn towards your partner today?